dixiblog.com

So far, it’s going pretty damn well. My Letting Go Holiday. I’ve gotten things started, and you know…It feels good. And I already feel lighter. My kidlet about laughed her ass off when I told her what I was going to do.

“I don’t care if you think it’s crazy. i like it. It makes me feel better. This is what I want to do. It’s symbolic.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, whatever,” she said. “But please, don’t act like it’s not crazy!”

“What-ever…”

Today, I mailed that package. I also went through the court papers bag, and got out everything that wouldn’t burn. I did pretty good, with the evil bag of papers. It wasn’t as harsh a feeling as it had been in the past, and I read almost nothing. Two things, I skimmed through the whole process. And quickly went on.

1. A copy of a letter that I’d sent to the kids. It had been returned after one of their moves. I sent them letters for a year or two after we lost them. I later found out the only thing they actually were given was postcards from a trip once. I used to write them about the news around here, what the family was doing, and I’d send play tatoos and stickers and things I thought they’d like. I was sad to know they never got them, but I guess at the time, they did what they needed to do: Helped me through a difficult time.
2. A letter from the Evil Ex. It was to Chip, about how much Amber hates me. I had to laugh a little at the irony; at the time, that was bullshit, so far as I know. Now? Your guess is as good as mine. I just thought it was ironic, is all.

That’s it. I took non-burnable items out and put them in plastic bags. Then I went outside with a hammer and smashed the holy shit out of ‘em. After that, a quick trip to the dumpster. That was particularly satisfying! I beat the shit out of that. There was a plastic 3-ring binder, some medicine containers, a pictureframe. A cassette tape of very, very yucky phonecall. Stuff I want to obliterate. And I did!

I also gathered up a few other papers from about the place that symbolize other things I don’t want in my life or I don’t want to be cosuming my energy. Legal papers. Copies of letters. Email printouts. Stuff that is connected to painful and unpleasant experiences for me. I put it in the bag, and set the bag next to the fireplace. Tommorrow evening, it will go up in smoke…then I plan to scatter the ashes outside while staying in the experience of dumping that trash.

Truth of the matter is…I’m looking forward to it.  I’m excited! I was kind of surprised that even the little bit I’ve already done is as nice as it is. It almost feels like I’m giving myself permission to forget, you know?

Or something. I don’t have it completely figured out yet, after all. But it’s what I’m working on now…