First of all, I should be clear: I am NOT whining. Really. I have no right. You know? People fantasize about working for themselves, and I don’t blame them. At one time, I did, too. Fantasize, that is. Now I do it.
And I appreciate what I have. I do. I KNOW I’m lucky as Hell, and I don’t want to go back to the cube world. Ever. But…you knew it was coming. You knew. I have really been struggling with my work stuff for a while.
I am tired of formatting text for a living, okay? I’m tired of anxious people fussing at me because I didn’t answer their email quickly enough. I’m tired of being too fuckin’ wussy to charge certain clients fairly (whom I like personally and/or understand their financial issues). And why is it these instances always end up taking a LOT more energy and time than I expected them too…so even more for less, you know?
This weekend was a good example. I had work. I call it “Desperate Client” work. The website (or lack) is an emergency, right now! (Wasn’t for the last 6 months when it was just sitting on the drawing board, but no matter.) Today, NOW, immediately, this website work will make or break the organization / business/ housepayment. Someone else’s financial future is being attributed to how quickly I do some web-page work.
What the fuck, you know? GOD damn, I hate when a client pops that in my lap. I have enough to be responsible for my own financial solvency, thank you very much. I don’t want yours!
I feel like websites are worthwhile and have value, or I wouldn’t make them for a living, sure. But no. I am not responsiblefor whether or not you have enough money to operate your organization, or if your business sinks or swims, or if you get the biggest client of your career ie not, or if you have enough money to pay your house payment. (I’ve been credited with all these things…usually negatively, I may add.) I just make fuckin’ webpages, ok?
Well, this weekend, I plowed through that project. I pushed and pushed and pushed, because it took hours more than I’d expected on it. No surprise. But I worked thorugh it.
And when I wrapped it up, I told myself, “No more.” I’m not doing this anymore. I feel so much pressure, and I am tired of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. And as soon as I did, I got this wave of relief, you know? It swept.
But not just mental. For a couple days prior, I had a swollen, uncomfortable spot at the top of my leg…red, inflamed. I was walking like a robot in armor for two days trying to avoid pain…it just kept getting more and more irritated, redder and more swollen and more sore…Well, as soon as I’d made this decision, immediately, within a couple of minutes…it had resolved. It was metaphorical (if somewhat disgusting) for resolving the pressure I’d been feeling from the work. I felt instant relief.
Now is the hard part, though. To move away, I have to get my other projects working. I decided: no more design projects. I’ll keep my maintenance clients until I can replace the income (or longer, if they don’t piss me off). But that means to get the other stuff up to speed, I have lots of work ahead of me.
You know, I have been working my ass off for over a year (at LCE, largely), and damnit, I’m tired! I work every day of the week. Weekdays for clients, evenings and weekends, for my project. I’m kinda tired. So when does this get easier?
Oh well. At least I’m still excited for what I’m doing on my new projects for the time being. Hope that lasts a while and I feel like I can make more of a contribution to the greater good with them. That’s part of what I’m after, y’kno. Not saving your ogranizaton or helping you make your house payment. Just wanting to add a little good to the world, feel good about what I do, stay peaceful, and make some money along the way.
Seems reasonable to me…
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