I like to describe myself as “an eccentric genius.” People always laugh, because they think I’m joking. I always laugh, because they think I’m joking.

Elsa P., my favorite astrologer, once titled a reading for me, “If she’s not crazy, there’s no end to the good she can do you!” I laughed for a solid week, because I’d never heard myself described better.

I couldn’t fit in if I tried; not authentically, anyway. I was raised specifically to be an outsider. I can blend in well enough to function, sure. But it’s not my natural state of being.

Honestly, that crap gets old; by the time you get to be my age, you just want to be, y’kno? Or at least, I do. It does have a price, though. You have to tune out other people’s opinions.

My neighbors do call me “the Crazy Cat Lady.” I’m okay with that.

So what if I thank the spent blooms for the joy and beauty they shared when I pull them off my flowers? I’m not asking you to do it. I’m not hurting anybody. It makes me happy. I feel less guilty for plucking them off, and I do appreciate their service. I scatter them on the sidewalk, intending them to provide luck and protection to whomever crosses their paths. You may think it’s nuts, but every time I send out a positive intention, it feels good. I am adding to the sum total of goodwill in the world.

Ok. I get the point. But I don’t do this aloud if I see anybody outside, man. I’m semi-aware, even though I have a number of…eccentricities.

I see two options: I can stop dying my hair weird colors, stop talking to my flowers, stop doing my nails blue, stop dressing like a hippie, stop talking about astrology and Tarot and chakras, give glitter a rest-in-peace edict—by and large, stop being so damn colorful! I’m way too colorful to be proper for a woman my age. Anybody knows that. Even (Gasp!) me…

Or, I can be known as “The Crazy Cat Lady.” Do what makes sense to me, without bothering with what anybody else would make of it. Do what makes me happiest, so long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else.

Way I figure, it’s a service. Maybe it gives them a little amusement to see what the crazy pink-haired old lady is doing. Or somebody to feel superior to. Maybe they can feel a little more normal by comparison. Who knows? The ones it bothers probably aren’t a good match for my energy anyway.

I’m as kind as I know how to be; I try to add light and love wherever I go, in however humble (or eccentric) the contribution. Everything good I have to share with anybody is enhanced by living as happy as I know how to live.

I guess I’ll change how much “me” I let out roam in the wild if I see a good reason; I have at times before. I try stay balanced and I do what I need to do, because I am a grown-up about what counts. But I’m really hoping I don’t see good reason. It’s a lot more fulfilling being authentically colorful than widely palatable.

They came back. After I saw myself described as “paranoid and reclusive” for acknowledging how I don’t trust the census and it bugs me how much the government is over-reaching into our personal lives, the good ol’ US of A’s main man, Uncle Sam, is back at it.

Geez Loiuse. This makes FOUR in-person visits from the Census to my house. For one form that was sent in already.

Bam! Bam! Bam! I look out the peephole—because every paranoid freak like me who doesn’t trust the rest of the world has a peephole, y’kno—and see yet another census worker, badge and GPS in tote, on the other side of the door.

I try to cut him off at the pass. “I sent it in. I sent it in already. I know it was late, but I already sent it in.”

“When?” he inquires.

“After the first follow-up visit. I know it was past the deadline,” as Mr. Disapproving  Scowl had already made clear on my last official visit. “But I sent it in.”

He starts off on his “I need five minutes of your time” spiel.

“No. I’ve done it once; I won’t keep doing it.”

He addresses me like a high school teacher would lecture an i’ll-behaved student. “I need a few minutes of your time. You have to answer these questions. Because otherwise, it won’t get counted. Those responses weren’t part of this new program, and they won’t get counted otherwise.”

(As if this is something that should alarm me.) “I sent it in once and that’s enough. Whether they throw it away or whatever, that’s not up to me.”

“Oh, no, they won’t throw it away, “ he said. Of course, I wouldn’t get so lucky. “They just won’t count it.”

“That’s not my problem. I did it once and that’s all I’m willing to do it.” I already felt like a sellout for providing information that isn’t constitutionally allowable. There were people that DIED in defense of the principles in the constitution, and me? I didn’t want to get a $5,000 fine that will, in all likelihood, never get levied for fear of a toxic public relations nightmare.

The man gets snotty at my continued refusals to tell a stranger who shows up on my door any personal information about who I am or the people that live in my home. He was getting angrier, and I looked to end the interaction.

“We’ll get the information somehow!” he calls out ominously as I’m shutting the door. Say I’m paranoid if you want to; I don’t give a damn. It was delivered as a threat, plain as day.

So, we’ve got FOUR in person visits to obtain one, already-completed form sent in weeks ago. We’ve got the government keeping (but not “counting”) information sent it, and some mysterious, nonsensical program requiring paying people to go out and harass citizens who have already given up some of their rights by answering questions the agency has no authority to ask. Like the whipped cream on the sundae, it’s all topped off with bully census workers, ominously implying they’re somehow going to invade your privacy if you’re not adequately cooperative, as demonstrated by providing whatever information is demanded, each and every time it’s demanded, by whomever claims authority to do said demanding when showing up at your doorstep with a laminated name tag. Even if he does work for the census, that’s no guarantee he’s not a lunatic, after all.

Kinda makes you go all warm and fuzzy about how much you pay in taxes, huh?

When you put energy out there, what are your expectations on a return?

There was a time, whatever I did, I had a clear picture of what I thought I’d get in return. I worked at a job, started a business, created websites, went to school, whatever it was, with clear, specific expectations on exactly where the path was going to take me. I “knew” just how each action was going to impact my life and make it better.

Except for one, especially pesky little issue: I was almost always wrong.

Not just making wrong turns on the path, although I made plenty. Not just other people reacting outside my preconsidered set of expectations, although that happens plenty, too. You can’t guess, anticipate, plan, or visualize every detail of where life takes you. Many of the best trips are side trips–unexpected, serendipitous surprises. Synchronicity is the magic.

I learned you can’t plan what comes precisely. You can have goals; in fact, you need goals! They spur you forward and force you to clarify and focus. Very hard to get what you want without knowing what it is to begin with. But the piece that gets missed so much is mixing up actual goals with the path to the goals.

My goals used to be around accomplishing a specific result; I wanted this job or that bank balance or that car or this degree or whatever.  When that happened, everything would be just right! Thing is,  it wasn’t the accomplishment in and of itself I was really searching for. It was what the accomplishment meant to me.  I thought working toward specific goals would give me security, satisfaction, freedom from worry, blah blah blah. I was actually longing for what I expected the goals to add to my life.

I have a friend who recently lost her job, and for a time, felt like her world was crashing. She confused having a long-term job with her actual goal of financial security. The financial security doesn’t come from any job, all of which are temporary–it comes from the experience, skills and talents you hold that allow you to meaningfully contribute; those abilities are what land you any job, allow you to care for your own needs independently, and allow you to progress and thrive. Exactly where those abilities gets exercised is far less important than having and exercising them. Making the transition from one expression to another expression of goals merely requires a little faith while you’re making your trek along the way.

The experiences I’ve benefited from the most notably, progressed my life the most significantly, have NOT been the times I’ve set a specific target and hit it. It’s been the side trips. The stuff that made me crazy–the times things blew up, went ridiculously wrong, or I ended up on a road completely unanticipated. These have been the gifts in ugly wrapping paper.

I still have to remind myself of the process sometimes. It doesn’t matter if I can imagine how I might get from A to B, because the path is totally and utterly irrelevant. Focus on the feeling you want–first amplifying your current experience of that feeling, which opens your life up to more of it; when you’re vibrating in tune with your goals, you metaphysically open yourself up to gifts, synchronicity, and whatever assistance is out there for you in the universal energy flow. By seeing where you are approaching your goals in your day-to-day journey now, you can build and grow until the result you wish is more purely and strongly expressed.

Now, when I see an opportunity, I put my energy out there and go Zen. I tell myself explicitly, “It doesn’t matter if things come together the way I expect. It doesn’t matter if I end up feeling stupid, or others don’t respond well to my efforts, or if I end up in an entirely different place than I expected setting out.” Whatever happens, I know I will have opportunities to learn. I work to divorce my ego from the process and trust. All that matters is that I put the energy out there in the direction I want to go, with faith and belief that I (or someone else) will benefit somehow from the energy, that my journey will be advanced, and that, somehow or another, it all adds to the light.

Saturn in Libra is a big deal; as a collective, we’ll be looking at issues surrounding hard work, responsibility and boundaries (Saturn) as well fairness and kindness (Libra) in relationships (Libra).  This transit will be around until Fall, 2012.

I did a video Tarot reading on making the most of this time. FYI, I still get way nervous on video and tend to ramble, but I figure, that’s how you get better, right? I also notice sound is out of sync, damnit. I’ll get there.

I have no doubt people think I’m nuts. Well-meaning, but nuts. I try not to let that bother me. (Often, I succeed.) But sometimes, it’s just a bit much and I get tired of keeping my mouth shut. It may surprise some of you I do actually keep my mouth shut at times, but it’s true.

I’m not a fan of the Census. Now, before anybody starts spouting off about the importance of new roads and how will the government be able to accurately gauge Congressional representation, stop right there. I’ve seen the commercials, okay? I’m aware of all the nifty little “benefits” touted by the $340 million dollars spent on just marketing the census. I am willing to go so far as provide a headcount for my household–in other words, I’m perfect willing to provide the information that’s constitutionally allowable for my government to ask.

But I don’t want to provide any more information than that. Census data has historically been misused–both in the US and in other nations, and with the state of current technology, it’s possible to use the aggregate data to track individuals. Lobbying groups for marketers advocate for more complete (and intrusive) information gathering. This isn’t public service on their part.

While many people got the short form, some didn’t. They got the long form. How is it the government’s business if any member of the household has difficulty remembering, concentrating, or making decisions? Why is it important for my government to know how many times I’ve been married, how much I paid for my electric bill last month, whether I have a refrigerator and flush toilet? This helps them know “how many roads to build and how much representation my area requires in congress?” Sure.

Short answer: It’s not the government’s business, of course. But this information is pure gold to the marketers; if it weren’t, they wouldn’t lobby to continue gathering more and more of it.¹

So this being how I feel about it, I was NOT in a hurry to return even my short census form. I read up on the possible penalties, like a $5,000 fine–ugh–decided I needed to send the form, but the thought of it made me feel a little sick. So I procrastinated until a saw a sticky on my door one of the Census workers had shown up and would return. I don’t like strangers showing up at my house. So I filled out the form, partially. I put in how many people were here and their race, although I still believe it’s wrong to ask. I skipped birthdays and phone numbers and other questions because, well, it was just too much.

A few days later, Mr. Census Worker shows back up. As soon as he introduces himself, I cut him off.

“I saw you were here, and I mailed it in!” I say quickly. I wanted him to leave, leave, leave! I don’t like people I don’t know at my house.

He scowls. “It was due April first,” he says through pursed lips, shaking his head a little.

“Well, I just sent it. Obviously, it’s not going to make it by April 1st, but it’s done.” Duh, I think to myself, but didn’t say so. I did not feel appropriately ashamed.

“I need to ask you some questions. It just will take about 10 minutes of your time,” he counters. Still that damn paternal tone, still the disapproving scowl.

“No. I did it once, I’m not going to do it again.” He still had that hall-monitor-and-you-don’t-have-a-pass vibe, and I think he may have sighed, but did not argue. I know they’re trained not to argue, from my friends who have temp jobs via the Census-Making-Employment-Statistics-Look-Better program. I wasn’t rude but I was clear: no–I’m not going to give what I consider personal information to a stranger because the US government pays lots of money for pretty commercials and water bottles saying it’s a good idea to trust them.

See, it wasn’t ten minutes of my time I was worried about. It was something I value a lot more–my privacy and my freedom. My peace of mind depends in significant part of feeling like I’m in control of what information I share with whom and for what reason. I care deeply about issues like having the freedom to make my own choices about how I live my life so long as I don’t hurt other people.  This  is slipping away in leaps and bounds in the name of “everybody’s best interest” every day and it scares me. I don’t see it getting any better and if people who feel the way I do don’t say or do something about it, it will undoubtedly get worse.

So he went away, and I (sorta) stood up for my principles. And if anybody wants to know how many flush toilets I have in my house, they can go to Hell.

1. It never ceases to amaze me how people can be dead-on convinced the government is our best chance at protecting the people from the very same corporate interests that funds the campaigns of people writing the laws. Can you say “conflict of interest?” Money fuels EVERYTHING.

Questions I’ve been asked regarding Tarot Readings.

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How did you learn to read Tarot?

I started like most everybody does: with a deck of tarot cards and a book next to me.

Later on, I got a "starter deck" that had interpretations on them. That was helpful, but eventually I found it to be too much of a crutch—it was keeping me from improving.

So I went back to good 'ol Universal Waite. I found a couple of websites that had interpretations that struck home to me, and bookmarked them. I started reading the cards differently.

First, I would lay out the cards out and force myself to come up with some kind of interpretation. Even if I had no idea about the traditional meaning of a card, I imagined what it might mean. I studied the imagery and surrounding cards. I tuned in to my intuition. I wouldn't look anything up until I had come up with some kind of interpretation. This was hard to do sometimes, but very productive in improving my skills.

I frequently found connections between my interpretations and my references. Eventually, I came to rely on my own interpretations primarily, but sometimes refer further to other sources to expand my understanding.

I now also work with crystals and gemstones in my readings to enhance focus, and have found the most helpful of all is meditating and asking for guidance before beginning a reading.

Are you ever wrong?

Of course. Aren't you?

I'm as human as anybody else, at least! I do my best, sure. But maybe I don't get something. Maybe I misinterpret what I get. It happens. Or maybe things just change.

The future is always in motion and we all have free will. So even with my best readings, the direction things are moving today may not be the direction they are moving next month, next week, or even tomorrow. That might even be a very good thing.

Is there anyone you can't read?

Yes. Specifically, I've found I can't read people who don't want to be read. If you don't want me to know about your personal life, or for any reason just don't want me to tune into your energy, I probably won't be able to.

I also have trouble reading people who are very emotionally guarded (as confirmed by self-reports). You don't have to believe in the Tarot for me to successfully read for you, but you do have to be open to the idea.

I have [fill-in-the-blank] issue with your answer to my question. Will you ask again?

No, not right away. I find that I get the same cards and the same impressions when I ask very similar questions close to one another. It's just not helpful.

If you don't agree with what I tell you for whatever reason, that's fine! You can either decide that I've missed the boat, or if you aren't sure, maybe you can do something different to change the direction energies are going. The future is fluid. So manifest your own.

What if I don't understand something from a reading?

Then ask, please! I want you to understand all the information I get in your reading, so I'll do my best to clarify. Just ask.

Do you get information not related to the question asked?

Sometimes. This seems to happen most often when the question is focusing on a small issue, or part of an issue, and ignoring more pressing concerns. Sometimes it's just something that's especially been on your mind lately, or something more immediate than the specified question.

I don't control what comes through, and figure I'll get what I'm supposed to get, which in turn is what I give you.

Can you tell me what to do?

Don't count on it. I sometimes get feelings one way or another, and when I do, I share those impressions.

I may provide suggestions or share ideas. But that's just what they are: suggestions and ideas. I may also share my own perspective, but you are responsible for your own journey. It's your life, y'kno?

I have enough to manage being responsible for my own life.  :)

How does the Tarot work?

Who knows? I can share what I believe, though. I see Tarot as merely one of many tools that help us tap into our own intuition to access a universal knowledge stream.

Tarot provides archetypes that could evoke endless interpretations. Very Jungian/collective unconscious, really. When we shuffle the cards, we add our own energy into the mix, connecting with the archetypes.

In the end, the way the cards come down combined with info we intuit combines to create the reading. I don't think it makes much of a difference whether you use Tarot or Runes or simply straight intuition. What makes a difference is your state of mind and receptivity.

What about astrology, numerology and other metaphysical disciplines?

We're looking again at my personal beliefs. Your mileage may vary.

I see all energy as being connected. The reason why Tarot, astrology, numerology and so many different approaches seem to work is that same energy thread that runs through everything in existance. Different windows looking onto the same landscape.

Each avenue is just another lens with which to view the same, unified truth: about who, what and where we are. And even if you don't believe in the ultimate truth of information gathered through these tools, each will give you additional perspective to think about and reflect on. That's a good thing.

Overview of Tarot suits with astrological correspondences.

Wands/Fire

Wands are largely optimistic, with lots of action, movement, growth and vitality.. Notice the leaves that are often depicted on the wands. Growth and movement is what you’ll find here. Correspond to the element of Fire, or Fire Signs in the Zodiac. There is sometimes conflict with wands, as there are lots of hot, yang kind of energy. Mars energy, for example, would be expressed by wands. When you see wands, you know you’re talking about something this is already dynamic, or at least needs to be dynamic. Wands tell you the situation is not staying the same!

Cups/Water

Cups are emotional. Many of the cups address emotions in various stages of development, or the emotional component to the issue. Water represents our emotions, and there’s plenty of water in the cups cards, even besides the cups that hold the water…Cups represent the Water signs of the zodiac, and here you’ll frequently Moon influence. Like the tide, our emotions wax and wane courtesy of Mother Moon. When you see cups, you know that emotion is part of the picture. Watch particularly for surprises or the unexpected, attributable to emotional issues.

Swords/Air

Swords are all about the mind, corresponding to the Zodiac’s air signs. Swords are sometimes somewhat intense reminders to deal with the reality of the situation, however stark that reality may feel at the time. This suit, too has some action, but it’s often corrective, after the fact kind of struggles. You often will specifically be called on to view two (or more) sides of an issue, reminiscent of the air signs Gemini -the twins- or Libra-both sides of the scale. Look for dualities in the situation. Often, when you’re seeing a lot of swords, know that we’re talking about being ruthlessly honest with ourselves or others, cutting through the bullshit and getting down to business. Swords tell you to deal with difficulties head on and honestly.

Pentacles/Earth

Pentacles bring us down to Earth and address the everyday, material details of our existence. Sometimes they discuss money, although in a greater sense, even those times when they address money, it’s often as a representation of our physical senses and needs. Maybe looking at money as a way to gain security, provide for the family, or get our more esoteric needs met.  Astrological signs corresponding to the Pentacles element are Earth signs, Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. You can’t get much more down-to-Earth and rooted in the here and now than that trio! I don’t know…some people would say those three are not very fun at a party, but Hell, the party wouldn’t have even been planned and executed so brilliantly without them. (And the Taurus had some exceptionally inspired suggestions about the food.) When you see pentacles, pay attention to the material side of things: the practical, pragmatic, and real-life consequences of the situation. Pentacles are about looking to the bottom line.

What to expect from a Tarot reading: my practices and personal philosophy regarding reading for clients.

1. I provide the most honest, complete and objective reading possible within my scope of ability.
2. I give clear information on fees before  reading. Fees will not change unless we agree beforehand to expand the scope of the reading in some way, such as extending the time we talk.
3. I do not address the same or very similar questions unless significant time has passed, and will not address the same question repeatedly in any event. I’ve found it’s simply not helpful. If you don’t like the outcome of a reading, direct your energy accordingly.
4. I am a Tarot reader. As such, I am not qualified to give professional legal, medical, financial or psychiatric advice. If you need this type of support, please seek a qualified professional in the proper field.
5. I will not do a reading specifically on a third party without their knowledge and consent. I encourage you to approach relationship issues from a personal perspective. Anything less is wasting a great opportunity.
6. I will not tell you what to do, nor accept responsibility for your decisions. It’s your life–your choices. The future is fluid and it’s up to you to construct your own reality.
7. I don’t consider Tarot reading to be “fortune telling.” Cards point to energies in action, trends and potentialities. It’s dynamic. While there are times when the cards will tend to predict a particular outcome or event, participants’ actions and free will are always factors.
8. I respect my clients’ privacy. Your personal information and the content of your reading is absolutely confidential.

Comments clients have emailed me in response to tarot readings. Thank you so much to all who allowed me to share your comments!

See also feedback from readings via eBay (all entries from 2004).

My God you are absolutely amazing, everything you said in your reading was absolutely true…I was stuck in a bad marriage for 24 years, and I do have issues trusting….I am also on a huge path of self-improvement, back to school after 25 years, working on self esteem, etc. I don’t know how you got all that but I am in awe. You are terrific!  –Joanne

Thanks so much for the reading! It was wonderful. You’re right, the relationship did come from out of the blue and I do think ‘he’s the one.’ You’re right, mom doesn’t want me to move on. (I’m 29!! yikes!)  I feel at this point in life, the LIFE should start for me.  Family, home, etc. You’re right, I am surrounded by negative forces..You are a wonderful reader and I thank you for your service.  –Angela

Your reading was by far the very best I have ever received….so many many things you really hit right on….it was scary…my Mom and I were reading it in the car and even she couldn’t believe how ME it was. Yes I have kids, and yes lately my Mom has been telling me to put ME first for a change…please let me know when you are going to be listing more, I need another one. I left you glowing feedback, I wish it could have been longer, if you ever need a reference, I am here…anyway let me know when I have buy another one. Thanks.  –Lori

Thank you for your time and energy ~ you truly have a wonderful gift.

Everything you said was completely correct. I do everything for everyone like you said but I don’t feel I get anything in return…yes I do want to go back to school .you hit the nail on the head about my love life…my intuition has been pretty dead on about a lot of things and you just confirmed my belief about my job. Thank you again for your time and energy.  –Renee

Thank you very much for getting back to me so quickly. You are wonderful.  Everything you said was 100% correct. Sometimes you need an objective person to tell you the truth, and WOW you did…Thank you again so very much. Rest assured I will very positive feedback for you. You are a living blessing. Thank you very sincerely.  –Sharon

I just want to tell you, you hit EVERYTHING right on the head   I will be back for more readings.  –Vicki

Thank you very much for your added help! I deposited slightly larger than asked for! You are so correct about me trying to hurry things up! I figure if it’s going to happen then LET’S GO!  But I am trying to step back and let fate take its course.  Don’t be sorry, it’s what I need. Maybe not what I wanted, but that’s alright! The younger man has been divorced for 1 year.  And I think you’re right about him also.  The older man is definitely having trouble and will take action when either time is right, or he is ready. I will let it flow at it’s own pace. Thank you again. Your the real deal, not like some others I have tried! And will spread the word. –Ruthann

I recently found out a client of mine–and her husband–committed suicide. It made the news, but the story wasn’t accurate. It had the couple’s ages reversed, said they were from California instead of Oklahoma, and failed to mention that the wife survived only one additional  day after being retrieved from the hotel room. They were in their fifties.

When you read an email with news like that, you just say, “Wow.” It slaps you upside the head and you can’t just shake it off.

I’m not unexposed to suicide. I worked mental health, the crisis hotline, detox, and case management before I went web. I’ve done suicide intervention and I’ve had clients kill themselves before. Not in this business though, no. And it doesn’t feel the same.

They were in Rome, staying in the Hotel Splendide Royal (pictured above). After having sold all their belongings, they were on a tour through Europe. They had told their family and friends they were traveling, and would decide what they wanted to do when they got back. They had said goodbyes. During the trip they’d contacted folks, let them know what a wonderful time they were having.

Nobody was hurt, sick, or in pain. They felt like they had completed what they wanted to in this lifetime, and they wanted to cross over together. They asked friends not to judge, but to be happy for them, and respect their decision. They wanted to leave on a joyful note.

I didn’t know her very well–I’d done a website for her a few years ago, and handled her hosting. She was sweet and very, very kind to me, always. A gentle, soft-spoken woman. But I could go months at a time without talking to her, without a reason to, so it’s not like we were close.

But when I found out, I cried. And weird as it was, my feelings were hurt. It felt like she had done something to me. I couldn’t tell you what, because she certainly didn’t owe me anything. It made no sense whatsoever. But it didn’t matter. It upset me.   (I’ve no doubt it’s got to be the tiniest fraction of what somebody who loses someone close to them feels, and it sucked.)

And it pissed me off, too. What the Hell, you know? I prefer people I like not go and off themselves.

Which left me upset with myself for being upset. What right do I have to tell her how to live her life–or end it? How is this my business? If I liked her, don’t I owe her my best attempt to honor her wishes? Can I be happy for her?

I’ve been trying to sort this out the last week; today, I realized I’m also pissed off about being reminded that I am mortal. I am aging, my husband is aging, and someday, the one question of one or the other of us dying will become a reality. I haven’t met anybody that’s figured an out yet.

My husband says the one thing he didn’t know about being married to me would probably have dissuaded him: the level of attachment. The thought of being without the other once you’ve bonded to that point is terrifying, disturbing in a way that defies description. In 21 years, you can get awfully used to someone. I don’t want to be without him or leave him without me. I just figured we’ll be one of those couples that go about the same time, because…well, we’ll want to.

So, is it wrong they wanted to die together, without paying the dues of  age or illness first? For whom is it to say what way someone else should die, when or how?  It obviously impacts others, but it’s not about others. It wasn’t my life, so it wasn’t my decision (clearly).

I liked and respected her. So I’ll do my best to respect her request and intent, but it’s not something that I can imagine feeling joyful about anytime soon.